Monday, February 21, 2005

Famous People Who Have Met Me

Here is a list of all the famous people I have met. When I say 'met' I mean - stood within a few feet of, in the same room. And talked to. Or something.

Mick Jagger (gave me my prize at the Bad Sex Awards, we chatted for three minutes)

W H Auden (the great English poet, stayed at my folks' house in the 60s; left gin bottles under the bed)

David Gilmour (Pink Floyd guitarist; sat doing coke at a party. He had a bag of powder as big as your fist and refused to share it, despite being a billionaire and quite fat. Still, responsible for divine guitar solos on Dark Side of the Moon, so maybe forgivable)

Cameron Diaz (at post Oscars party in LA; moved out of the way so I could get a beer from the fridge)

Ben Affleck (looked right through me at same party)

J Lo (see above)

Adrian Brody (same party as the above, but he let me touch his Oscar, that he'd won that night. Later I saw girls actually queueing to talk to him. I was told this was a 'fuck queue')

Quentin Tarantino (interviewed him for magazine; he was off his face on coke)

Baroness Margaret Thatcher (at political gig; I just stared at the woman. God bless her)

Lady Helen Windsor (the Queen's cousin; she and I were linked romantically. This is a long story, and a bizarre one, that I shall post about later maybe)

Robbie Williams (spent weekend in Zurich with him; he put his hand on my knee. See post below for details)

Anna-Frid from Abba (the dark one. She came in to Robbie's dressing room when we were doing a 'group hug'; wanted to sleep with Robbie)

Terry Jones from Monty Python (at dinner party, very drunk and coming on to my ex girlfriend Mariella Frostrup)

Mariella Frostrup (sometime TV presenter and girlfriend of Iggy Pop and George Clooney; I shagged her over an altar in France, at the Cannes Film Festival. Is this too much information?)

Ted Hughes (Poet Laureate and husband of Sylvia Plath. Tousled my hair when I was
five; twenty years later remembered me and said I was 'very noisy')

Ricky Gervais (see post about two months ago. Still nods vaguely to me on the streets of London, bless)

Andrew Motion (the present Poet Laureate. OK not very famous, but fits in nicely with Ted Hughes. Motion turned me down for a place at the UEA School of Creative Writing. Think he saw me as a threat; nice taste in boots)

Joseph Brodksy (obscure but really quite significant - won the Nobel Prize for Literature in the 80s. I met him at a party and he was actually WEARING the Nobel Prize, it was like a big medallion. Unexpected)

Salman Rushdie (was accompanying Mariella at a party. I went up to him and was personally abusive on the grounds that his book, Midnight's Children, won out over my dad's book for the Booker Prize twenty years ago; Rushdie actually fled the building I was so boorish. Maybe he thought I was an Islamic Terrorist)

Steve Zalian (OK not very famous, he's the Oscar-winning scriptwriter of Schindler's List; I only include him because I once chased him out of a building too, shouting drunkenly - as I did with Rushdie. Maybe I should retitle this post 'Famous People I Have Chased Out Of Buildings Shouting Drunkenly')

Arnold Schwarzeneggar (totally ignored me at the Red Bull World Stunt Awards in LA)

Dennis Hopper (surprisingly sane judge at LA Stunt Awards. Was very civil to me)

Helena Bonham Carter (met her twice; first when she was 19 and very pretty and shy and slumped in a corner in a trendy Hampstead party; second when she was about 25 and I interviewed her. This is a bit boring, I think I'm running out of good stories)

Rachel Weisz (no I'm not. I snogged this girl, now Hollywood star of The Mummy etc, when she was 19 and exceptionally lovely. She is the cousin of the girl who claimed I raped her)

N****** H**** (the girlfriend who claimed I raped her. Now best-selling authoress of The S***** T******* and global TV pundit. Hm)

Gavin Rossdale (married to Gwen Stefani; lead singer of Bush. Used to do E with him at parties. Went out with girl who claimed I raped her before I went out with her and allegedly raped her. Was prepared to testify at party that girl who claimed I raped her was into very rough sex. Again, too much information?)


Er, I think I'll stop there. But I may come back with some names I have forgotten.

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