Sunday, May 08, 2005


Another image of the notorious criminal 'Old Father Time', captured on CCTV during one of his attacks. Have you seen this man? Read on for details...


Police are on the look-out for a criminal commonly known as Old Father Time. He is a wizened, elderly man, who carries a clock and a 'scythe'. In general his whereabouts are a mystery, but he is possibly thought to lurk in or behind mirrors. He certainly favours attacks in broad daylight. Police are particularly concerned by the pattern of his crimes: his most vicious attacks take place against youingish women aged 29 to 32.

'We're not sure why he focuses on women of that age,' Says Detective Sargeant O'Reilly of the Met Police Serious Cimes Squad, 'but there's no denying that he has some kind of grudge against females in their very late youth. Perhaps he was jilted by a 28 year old woman, who knows. At the moment we can only speculate.'

'His method of attack varies slightly,' says O'Reilly, 'but there are some common characteristic to all these crimes - that lead us to believe they are all committed by the same criminal, by Old Father Time. For instance, when a woman is about 28 or 29, he likes to conducts a stealthy attack against her bottom, turning what once a pert, cute and youthful derriere into something much saggier and less attractive. It's diabolical.'

O'Reilly continues: 'Typically these attacks last several months, but the victim does not notice. Then one morning she will glance at her bottom in the mirror, and see how much it has drooped. Only then we do we learn the terrible but predictable news - that this atrocious criminal has made another vile assault on an innocent member of the public.'

Victims are spread across the community. Frank Bongley is a van driver from Peckham. Recently Old Father Time attacked Mrs Bongley, in Tescos. 'This bloody man is a monster,' says Bongley. 'He must be stopped. What he did to my missus was horrible. One minute she was a slender and saucy young bird, the next time I looked her in the supermarket I noticed that her tits were all over the shop and her arse was on the floor. It's had quite an effect on our lovelife. I can tell you. The doctors say there's nothing we can do.'

Old Father Time has been known to attack men, but, for some reason, these attacks have less dramatic ramifications. Steven Roseman is a psychologist at University College London. 'Woman hater is an old fashioned term, but it may, I fear, be applicable to this sociopath. The results of his assaults on men, grey hair, baldness etc, are just so feeble in comparison to the results of his assaults on women. We think he may have a massive Oedipus complex.'

Do the experts have any advice for victims of these crimes? 'If you are a woman,' says Roseman, 'It's probably true to say that there's very little you can do, except protect yourself with heavier clothing, support garments and so on. For men there is one answer: date women aged 16 to 24. Of course in time these women will themselves fall victims to this psychopath, but at least you will be spared the terrible moment when you glance at your wife one morning, and you see that she's, like, totally gone home.'
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