Saturday, July 30, 2005

Suicide for Proper Guys


Yukio Mishima - a real man, unlike some Muslim terrorists we could mention.


In honour of the two crap, pitiful, Islamofascist cry-babies, who were forced onto the balcony of their flat in their underwear yesterday, and who notably failed to kill themselves as promised, I thought I'd post this quick guide to Japanese ritual suicide.
Next time, guys, do it this way. Like a real warrior.
Arseholes.



How To Commit Ritual Japanese Suicide


Banzai!
Seppuku, vulgarly called hari-kiri in the west, is a formalized and gory act of ritual suicide which has been performed by Japanese nobility since medieval times. It is still occasionally used by disgraced Japanese businessmen. Seppuku became popular when samurai warriors came to see suicide as being preferable to death at the unclean hands of an enemy. Seppuku was not considered suitable for plebs, who only got to jump off cliffs.

Yo Sushi
Presuming you aren't on a battlefield, and have plenty of time to top yourself, the procedure for correct seppuku is lengthy and complex. First you must dress in a white robe or kimono. Then you should walk to a calm, quiet space, in a temple or garden; Tescos carpark is far from ideal. Now you kneel, and compose your special death poem, before munching some pickles and knocking back a few gulps of rice wine.

Ah, so
Allow the kimono to fall from your shoulders, exposing your stomach. Take the twelve inch steel knife, or kozuka, and plunge it into the left side of your stomach. Rip the knife across your belly, left to right, trying not to let too many of your intestines spill out. After a quick breather - this is hard work! - you should drag the knife upwards, tearing open the right side of your torso as far as the ribcage. Now sit back and wait.

Easy peasy Japanesey
At this point your assistant, or kaishaku-nun, should come up from behind you and sweep his sword sideways, so as to chop off your head, and complete the seppuku. It is important that your assistant use the correct daki-kubi cut, which is where a small flap of skin is left to connect the neck to the dangling head. Entire decapitation, where the head goes merrily sailing through the air (as happened to novelist Yukio Mishima, who famously performed seppuku in the 70s) is considered naff as well as unpleasantly messy.


Sayonara, Zarqawi!

1 comment:

dsquared said...

in reviewing Mishima's novel, Peter Ackroyd suggested that large tracts of its prose were worthy of Barbara Cartland, noting that at least she had the guts not to commit suicide over it.