Friday, November 18, 2005
What do you think this is, a porn-site? No, sorry - this picture is strictly relevant to the post, so I felt I had to put it on, for clarity's sake. The thing is, by watching the way your girlfriend removes her knickers, after she's gone, er, bicycling without her skirt on, you can predict the future. Yes!
I know I haven't been blogging much of late. I also fear I may not be blogging quite so much over the next few months (though I may blog even more, so stop cheering). This is because I have been distracted over the last few days, and I may be distracted further in the future. And why these distractions? [get to the point, Sean] Well, it's because the good people at Bloomsbury Books have taken my next volume of memoirs. Yes! It's true! Yay! Hooray! Hip Hip! Huzzah! May the angels of happiness strum their harps overhead, may the trumpets of joy be heard in every Pret a Manger in the realm, may I get a really big fat advance.
But still, there's no point in me counting my literary chickens yet, is there? Who knows, I may only sell two copies, and then I'll have to go back to reviewing Lego for amazon (see posts below, passim).
And that's what this post's about. Telling the future. I've been investigating the various means of clairvoyancy and soothsaying through history, to see if any of them are any good, and will tell me just how famous I'm going to be. Here's what I found.
How To Tell The Future
is the art of foretelling the future by looking at smoke. It was practised in Babylonian and Roman times. To do it, first get some incense, or scented wood. Then burn this over some charcoal, in a small brazier. This should be placed in your lap, so try not to chargrill your nads. Now ask a question relating to the future and watch the response of the smoke: if the smoke goes straight up the answer is yes, if the smoke is wonky, or sluggish, it’s no. This method of fortune-telling was favoured by famous mystic Emmuduranki of Sippar. So you’re in good company.
is the name for predicting the future using...an onion. In fact three onions. Obtain three fresh round onions. Place them in a spot where they can be undisturbed for some time. Name the left onion Yes, the middle onion Maybe, the third No. According to top American fortune-telling expert Scott Cunningham: ‘the first onion to sprout determines the answer to your question. If the onion’s sprout points towards you, that strengthens the accuracy of the answer’. I'm really not making this up.
is the ancient art of foretelling what’s to come by looking at the entrails of sacrificed animals. This art was much favoured by the Romans, who used to get through thousands of cattle a week in their temples. If you don’t have any cattle to hand, try a Sainsbury’s chicken with giblets. Related divinatory arts are Hepatascopy, clairvoyance by looking at animal livers, Oomantia, which is divination through the inspection of egg whites, and that old favourite, Tasseography, aka the Tea Leaf Method.
is divination by looking at people dressing or undressing. Possibly one of the more enjoyable techniques, if your subject is a nubile Roman slave girl, the Caesars particularly favoured this method. Apparently one morning Augustus Caesar’s right sandal was buckled on to the wrong foot by his valet. As a result of this, the Emperor Augustus knew a military revolt would occur that day. Which it did, so stop sniggering at the back.
Next time you’re at a party
observe the girls dancing round their handbags. Watch to see which girl drops out first. You now know the future as you’ve just practised Gyromancy, the art of fortune-telling by watching people dance in rings. If this isn’t flaky enough for your tastes, you could try Onchyomancy, the art of divination by examining fingernails, Molybdomancy, where you drop molten lead in water, Tiromancy, for which you need holey pieces of cheese, or Yourgirlfreind’sexpression-
thismorningomancy, by which you can tell if you are going to get laid that evening.
Posted by sean at 1:13 pm