Thursday, February 09, 2006

A Large Wooden Block For The Weekend, Sir?

How To Make Your Own Contraception

Rocky Road
Around the fourth millennium BC, Egyptian camel drivers noticed that if they inserted a pebble into the vaginal tracts of their beasts, it prevented pregnancy. You too can use this ancient knowledge: according to Saul Newman, author of Pills and Pebbles: the History of Birth Control, what you need is a ‘pebble the size of a broad bean’. This must be lodged at the rear of your girlfriend’s vaginal cavity, but be warned: it works by ‘creating a mild infection that prevents fertilisation of the egg’.

Bring Out The Branston
More user-friendly are DIY contraceptives that use natural spermicides - substances that kill sperm because of their excessive alkalinity or acidity. Olive oil, rock salt, cedar resin, crocodile dung, rancid dough, pickling vinegar, pomegranate pulp, and ginger have all been used this way: the common technique is to soak the oil, pulp or whatever into a bit of cloth, then insert the cloth into the vagina. On grounds of taste alone, Saul Newman recommends a cloth soaked in honey. ‘Honey is still used in modern contraceptives, in the honey cap for instance’

Lemon Aid
There are also natural ‘barrier’ methods of contraception. The great Italian lover Casanova used a half lemon, with most of the pulp scooped out. Saul Newman: ‘You use the lemon as a diaphragm: you insert it into the vagina, convex side first, until it nestles at the end. This acts as a natural barrier to sperm, plus the citric acid in the rind is a spermicide. Remember to change the lemon rind regularly!’ Alternatively you could use a bit of ‘sea-sponge soaked in honey’, or a ‘plug of beeswax’. Medieval women supposedly favoured ‘large wooden blocks’, though no-one is quite sure how these worked.

Blowfish Blues
If your squeeze turns up her pretty nose as smearing her privates with alligator crap (women, so fussy!) then there are things a guy can do - like make his own condom. In the past men made ‘jimmy hats’ out of sheep gut or blowfish intestines. Perhaps easier is take two penis-length strips of very fine linen, soaked in a natural spermicide: these must be sewn together with fine cotton. Remember to attach a ribbon at the ‘base’, for fastening purposes. Or you could try ‘sub-incision’, where you cut a small hole in the base of the penis so the semen spurts out of the hole rather than into the vagina. Saul Newman: ‘Apparently you have to put your finger over the hole when you want babies. A bit like playing the recorder.’

No comments: