Friday, March 24, 2006

Lecturer Sacked for Offensive Opinions

Leeds University, yesterday.

In a startling development, that has major ramifications for Britain's Further Education system, a lecturer in Hispanic Studies has been sacked by Leeds University, for apparently confiding to a friend that he thought it 'pretty obvious the earth was round'.

Professor Hank Trellis was overheard making the remark last Thursday by Bridget Widget, president of the Student Union Diversity Board. As she put it to the Student Newspaper: 'I couldn't believe my ears. This was a professor at my University, just coming out with this vile garbage. I mean, it's deeply insulting to anyone with an IQ less than 60 who doesn't understand astronomy. What if you are a moron, and simply can't grasp the concept of a round earth. It's not obvious by any means.'

Dave McGuardian is vice president of the University's Moron Society, which represents morons, dolts and cretins from throughout the student body. 'I'm actually and officially a retard,' McGuardian told the Toffeewomble, 'and because of that I don't quite get this earth-being-round thing. It's certainly not obvious to me, it looks flat! I can't believe this horrible man might be teaching me next year. How can he mark my work fairly if he thinks I'm stupid?'

Mary Piddell, the University Press Officer, stressed that the college felt 'complete abhorrence' for Trellis's views. She added: 'the professor's grotesque statement about the earth "obviously being round" bears no relation to our inclusive agenda here at Leeds. This is a college that leaves no student behind, not even nitwits, pinheads and the dead. We asked Dr Trellis to limit his private conversations to themes entirely connected with his Hispanic course, but when he seemed puzzled by this, we had no option but to have him sacked. And trepanned.'

Professor Galileo Galilei, the Dean of Leeds, was unavailable for comment last night.

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