Sunday, September 10, 2006

Christian Deity Admits Bible "Needs Work"


God out shopping, yesterday.


I'm thinking of doing a piece onthe putative location of the Garden of Eden. I can't say anymore but it's a potentially cracking idea - with lots of colour and drama and spurious Dan Brown-type revelations. I'll let you know how it goes.

By way of research for this proposed article, I've been looking at venerable texts, and I've uncovered an amazing fact. A very ancient draft of the Old Testament has been unearthed in Eurasia. What's so amazing about this proto-Bible is that it has God's notes on it. These appear to be memos from God to his ghostwriter, commenting on this early version, and suggesting amendments etc.

Here, for instance, is the opening of the Book of Genesis, with God's notes and queries inserted between the lines:



1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

[like it! God.]

1:2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

1:4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

[Try not to associate Me with Darkness too much. Depressing. G]

1:5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

1:6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

1:7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

1:8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.


[Hmm. I'm not sure about the use of the word "firmament". Kinda wanky? G]


1:9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

1:10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called the Seas: and God saw that it was good.

1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

1:12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that..


[Sorry but this just drags. What's all this shit about herbs? I know exposition is difficult but you can do better. Needs work!!! G]


1:13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years

1:15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

1:16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

[Don't want to nitpick, but didn't we create light at the beginning?? But you've only now got me hanging up the sun. Come on guys! What are you smoking?? LOL! Pls sort this. G]


1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

1:29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed

[oh for fuck's sake. Enough herbs! G]

which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed, to you it shall be for meat.

1:30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb

[Grrr!!]

for meat: and it was so.

1:31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

2:1 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

2:2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

2:3 And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

2:4 These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens.


[Much better! Really like that last bit - 'These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth'. Neato. Let's see if we can cut out some of the stupid herb crap, and I think we've got something. BTW isn't it a bit offputting to have LORD in caps tho? Sounds a bit high and mighty. God]

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